mirrortouch: (pull yourself together.)
Will Graham ([personal profile] mirrortouch) wrote2014-06-06 12:02 am
Entry tags:

01 | 🕐 | audio

[ It's not something that really ever becomes routine, it doesn't matter how often he wakes up someplace strange and uncharted. The voice on the line sounds about as scattered as he feels. ]

My name is Will Graham, it's- [ He's pulling back his sleeve to look for a watch that's not there. ] I don't have the time. I don't- I don't have the time.

[ Hang on, don't get too lost. ]

It's not clear to me exactly where I am, but- [ a dry laugh ] you probably already knew that. This isn't even my phone. But you probably knew that too.

[ He's missing details. He's missing plenty. His voice trails off for a short while before he can get his bearings enough to speak again, and even then it's almost unconsciously. ] I don't know. I don't know.

[ It's as if the fact that he has no idea sparks him back into the present. His voice grows more composed, if somewhat cracked. ] So if you're hearing this, if anyone is hearing this - [ is anyone hearing this? ] - any singular indication will be key.

[ Another beat. ]

I feel as though I've strayed a long, long way from home.

[ The air goes dead, and then so does the line. ]
versusnurture: (➵ to when the world was young)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-06 01:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Hi, Daddy.

[Which, of course, she's said once before. To help cement Hannibal in a lie; to protect herself, most of all. This time, it's clear she's joking, even if it's not a kind joke - even if the streak of cruelty in her voice is strong.]

[She drops it, after a moment. She doesn't think she's angry at him. (Maybe she is. This is an impossible situation.)]


Everyone's hearing this.

[And, vaguely reproachful,] What did you do?
versusnurture: (➵ with my throat to you)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-06 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, Will.

[Abruptly she feels wretched. Look at him. He's so lost, and she knows - knows like she knows the inside of her own eyelids - that this place will do its best to ruin him. She should give him a moment. Let him breathe.]

[The last time she saw him, he scared her so much. Now she's scaring him, just by existing. It's power, but without control. She doesn't like it.]


Will, it's not a dream. You're not crazy. And I'm still dead.

Where are you? Tell me what you see.

[See.]
versusnurture: (➵ we agreed that it was wrong)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-06 11:21 pm (UTC)(link)
[Don't, he says, and she instinctively wants to, just to be contrary - but she holds back, gnawing her lip and thinking. Thinking. Does she want him to see her room? At least the mask is gone, the one dillon brought her - at least Ben has that now. But there are only so many places they can go as inmates.]

[She wonders if seeing that the asylum is as close as she can conceptualize of home will shock him, or if he won't be surprised at all.]


Level eight, room nineteen. [A beat.] I have snacks. You look like you might pass out.

[Admittedly she has snacks because she doesn't trust the food around her sometimes - not anymore - but that's neither here not there.]
versusnurture: (➵ i don't think)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-07 12:46 am (UTC)(link)
[She sits on the edge of her bed when he hangs up. He is delicate, in a clumsy way. She is irritated, in a tender way. There are too many contradictions to be borne here, and it's setting her teeth on edge. She wants him to hold her hand again. She wants to scream.]

[Instead, she pulls down her box of crackers and sets it on her desk, then nibbles a few to push the nerves aside. When she imagines that five minutes have passed, she pushes her door ajar and waits outside, staring up and down the hallway.]

[Will says he's seen a ghost. She wonders how long it is that she's been dead. She wonders what has happened to him, what monsters he's seen. She wonders what he's become.]

[There is a song stuck in her head, Ein Männlein steht im Walde, and the scent of rosehips. She is not wearing her scarf. She hasn't worn a scarf in months.]
versusnurture: (➵ by this moon)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-07 01:48 am (UTC)(link)
[This, at least, is satisfying. He's missed her. She can see that in every movement he makes, every one he fails to make. She's missed him, too, only it's - complicated. She did not bother to hide their conversation from Hannibal, because she knew he'd assume it. Because she didn't want to seem like a coward.]

[She thinks she can feel him standing between them, smiling at her, smiling at him. A double-faced monster, the guardian at the door of death. She doesn't want this. She wants to just see Will. (See.) But there's something more here. Jealousy. Anger. Violence.]

[And something more simplistic, too, that makes her do what he can't and reach out. Her fingers brush his cheeks lightly, testing to see if he's real, is he, is he, and - once convinced - she takes his head in her hands and holds him still, searching his face even if he won't meet her eyes.]

[Will is very glad to see her. She smiles, and there are tears in her eyes, and she loves him so much.]


I'm glad to see you, too.

[See? She is real. Her fingers are cold, but she is real. She is afraid, but she is real.]

It's all okay.

[She has to laugh at herself - nothing's okay - but maybe a little more okay, now. Maybe.]
versusnurture: (➵ to when the world was young)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-07 02:25 pm (UTC)(link)
[Her heart beats. Her pulse jumps. She gives the illusion of being alive. In theory, she is - again - and can die - again - and has - again. But all that is details. She doesn't want to confuse him. The fact is, she died, and they both know, she thinks, who did it.]

[They know. He knows. He stands between them, though there's no space between them, and he smiles.]

[She rubs Will's cheeks with her thumbs, examining the plane of his cheekbones. If she had stayed with him, would she still be alive? Does she even want to be? Or is this better? The scales have fallen from her eyes. She knows she isn't supposed to think that sort of thing. And yet.]

[A soft frown.]
You're not supposed to be dead ever. [Which is a childish response - he's not immortal - but instinctively it feels right. Will took her father. Now he doesn't get to die.]

[She pats his cheek and lets her hands fall, taking his and tugging him gently into her room.]


You should tell me. If it will help. [Or even if it won't. She feels owed, just a little bit.]
versusnurture: (➵ faces i've known)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-10 10:26 pm (UTC)(link)
[She doesn't let go of his hand. She doesn't want to ever let go of his hand. This is as alone as she'll ever be with him, the best time to tell him secrets, and suddenly she doesn't feel as though she has any. Her best secrets, the ones she uses to shock people and make them feel sympathy for her, are the ones Will already knows. Abruptly she is tongue-tied and shy. She's thought for so long about what she'd say to him if he came here, and now he's here she has no idea where to start.]

[So she squeezes his fingers and looks into his watery, exhausted eyes as though maybe he has an answer for her, like he thinks she has an answer for him.]


Hannibal slit my throat. [A tight shrug, as though trying to shake it off, get it away. This isn't how she usually tells people. Usually she wraps the knowledge around her throat like a cloak. It gives her good posture, bright eyes, great power. Now, she feels powerless, but oddly secure in it, too, as though she and Will are passing back and forth information that could wound them. Holding knives at each other's throats.]

I've been here almost a year. I guess, if - time means anything, here. I don't really think it does.

It'd be a lie, to say there's nothing to be afraid of. But there's nothing more to be afraid of than there is anywhere else.

[She squeezes his hand again and leans her head on his shoulder. Maybe he'll be mad, but it feels like the wind's been knocked out of her, like she's been preparing for this moment for a hundred years and now it's finally come she's done, deflated. Her eyes itch like she's been crying.]

He killed Cassie Boyle. You know that, don't you? Cassie Boyle, and me.
versusnurture: (➵ might be a piratess)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-17 01:08 am (UTC)(link)
[It was a light. It tried to guide him. Too many vagaries, not enough specificity. It niggles at her, like the light touch of a feather along the goosebumps of her arm. She shivers, and brushes at her sleeves. Spiderwebs. Monsters in the dark.]

You scared me. But you didn't kill me.

Fear isn't as bad as death. It hides behind your eyes and leaps out at things that remind you of it, but it doesn't keep you tied up and paralyzed the way death does. It doesn't hurt. Not physically.

[A roundabout, convoluted way of saying she forgives him. Which might be a lie. Maybe she hates him - or maybe she'll hate him tomorrow. Right now, she loves him and wants to peel the layers off his skull until he shows her what he's thinking.]

Don't scare me anymore, though. This place - this is a different kind of place. We can't afford to scare each other. Just because you know what I did . . .

[She trails off. The weight of guilt comes down on her shoulders again. What I did, what he did, what we did. Does Will still condemn her? Still hate her? Still fear her for her lies? She doesn't want to know. But she does. But she can't.]

[If he lashes out, she'll lash back. She is a mirror of emotion. She cares too much to stand, and will be happy to burn herself out to a calloused shell if that's what it takes. Hannibal has convinced her, leading by awful example: she will be an empathetic monster, which is the sort that precludes weakness. Not like him, but not unlike him, either.]

[Or else she will be just a girl.]

[Or else something else entirely.]


Please tell me what happened, Will. Don't lie to me. I'm not - I can't know unless you tell me.

[Helpless and lost for information until he has mercy on her. She is practically begging. She wants to know what happened, needs to know, how the dominoes fell, what blood was spilled.]

[What was their design?]
versusnurture: (➵ of the thousand most frightening)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-17 01:17 pm (UTC)(link)
[He is crazed. In a way this comforts her. It makes her feel righteous. Yes, yes; Will Graham is no greater than anyone else. No higher above the urge to violence than she is. He is no better.]

[No less likely to be caught in the web, in the jaws of a monster. She is not weak, or if she is, he's just as weak or maybe weaker. She is vindicated. She practically glows.]

[I've told you, he says, and this confuses her but doesn't distract her. She knows what she wants to know, it's been shadowing her mind since he first spoke on the network.]


Did you kill him?

[A question she speaks with a trill, with a thrill. Wouldn't it be nice if-- wouldn't it be right if-- And she isn't sure if she believes it's possible, but wouldn't that be a solid tying-up of that chapter of this story, if Will Graham put a knife to Hannibal Lecter's throat and slit it ear to ear. Wouldn't that be something.]

[And yet if he had, she would be jealous. Jealous that Will took the opportunity when she didn't. Jealous that he got that last, victorious moment. Jealous that she was not included in the good feeling of killing. Jealous that Will was the last thing Hannibal saw, not her. Jealous all in theoreticals, fractal patterns and offshoots of reality. But envy is strong in her.]

[She wants to be as important to Hannibal as Will is, and knows she never will be. It makes her bloodthirsty.]

[Tell me you killed him. She is so much realer here than in his mind, so much crueler, so much more than a memory. So much more flawed.]

[She squeezes his hands, arches toward him, breathless for answers. Breathless to be disappointed or elated. She wants to know every bloody detail.]
versusnurture: (➵ blue of a dead bachelor's tongue)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-06-19 04:57 am (UTC)(link)
[He hesitates, and she is almost physically ill with disappointment. But his clarification lets her see more clearly than she has in months.]

[Not so different after all. Neither of them can pull the trigger, not yet; neither of them can manage to do the deed. He is too important, to central, to both of them in different ways. He is the sun, and they orbit around him, cursing his heat but unable to push him to nova for fear they'll go dark themselves.]

[Or else maybe it's something simpler. Maybe they would just miss him.]

[She sways slightly in the sinuous wake of his words. There is a poetry to death in his speech - like Ben's stories, but less allegorical, more floral. If this was a sermon, she would be offering praise. This is a church she would join. This is the place she belongs.]


I tried, too.

[Quavering. She tried.]

I would have made him suffer. I would have made him lose control of himself. I had a way, I had a plan, but I . . .

[She lost her nerve. She didn't want to go out. She didn't want to miss him.]

I didn't.

[If only Will would fill the silence with bloody words again, maybe she wouldn't feel like such a failure.]

He would just have come back anyway, here. But it would have been--

[The best right perfect delicious honorable thing.]

Satisfying.
versusnurture: (➵ a new bloom on the rose)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-07-04 10:16 pm (UTC)(link)
[It's hard to understand. There is a part of her, a big part, that can see nothing better than Hannibal's death. Over and over and over again his death. She thinks that if she could bind someone to her tightly enough, she could make them kill him a hundred times until he lost his spirit entirely. Harvey could and would do it now.]

[But she wants the first kill, at least, for herself. Will could be competition for her now, for first blood.]

[She doesn't want to think about that. Instead she looks at the pride in his eyes and takes it in greedily, like a starving child. This is what she has wanted for so long. Pride, love, a father who will hold her tight and love her unconditionally and keep her safe--]

[But there is danger that way. He didn't keep her safe, did he? He just frightened her, and then she died.]


I don't know. [Whispered; hoarse.] I mean - I, someone was helping me, and she would only help if I really wanted it, and then I . . . didn't. She could tell I was lying.

I got angry. So I.

[She licks her lips. He will know, he will know eventually. He will find out. She has to tell him.]

I killed someone else.

[Someone who reminded me of you.]

[She does not say she's sorry.]
versusnurture: (➵ that you would sink)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-07-06 12:22 am (UTC)(link)
[He pulls away. In that moment she could reach out and choke him, she could kill him unceremoniously and leave his corpse on the floor. But she doesn't move - just stays where she is, with her hands outstretched, her fingers curved into something almost a fist.]

[He has no right to judge her. No ground to stand on. She will not be cast aside by him, not anymore. She's all wrath, all sharp edges, fire in her eyes.]


His name was Ryan Hardy. [Her tongue twists like a snake in her mouth, prodding at the inside of her cheek as she doesn't say He was just like you or Hannibal wanted him or Killing him felt good.]

I tricked someone into giving me a taser. And I . . . had a knife. I knocked him out, and I gutted him.

[She taps her sternum, then drags her finger down her belly. Like gutting any animal.]

[Her eyes are cold and hot all at the same time.]
versusnurture: (➵ blue of a dead bachelor's tongue)

[personal profile] versusnurture 2014-07-06 03:56 am (UTC)(link)
[She is cut. She is wounded. She is bleeding openly, her anger evidence of how much he's hurt her. Rejected her utterly in one sentence, scorned all the work she's done before Ryan Hardy's death and since. He has reduced her to less than nothing.]

[Her eyes well with tears, but they don't fall. His fingers are warm on her face. She lets them sit for moments, just moments, and then pushes them violently away.]


How far have you come? [she spits, snarls, a brittle animal backed into a corner. He has no right. He has no right to judge her. And yet she's always feared he would.]

[They are neither of them any better than Hannibal in the end, she thinks, when left to the devices of their worst impulses. But she has done better. She has been better. She possesses better in her heart and soul.]

[She doesn't expect Will to believe this. He's always believed that she is what he wants her to be; she has occupied a mythical space in his mind, and now she's shattered her own perfect image.]

[Well, fine. She doesn't want to be a perfect monster anyway. She wants to be a human one.]

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